Just a mofo. More to come.
Hopefully not more than a year and a half later, but more to come. That is my word, and I am holding myself to it… but without a timeline this time, as I had back when I created this account for… for… (I don’t even want to say it because it makes me laugh so hard)… a school C O U R S E HAHHAHA. The course was directed studies. I directed myself to do what I wanted. Loved that class. Best part? You grade yourself because you direct yourself. My grade? Perfect. Why? Because clearly from this account I am perfect, incredible, one-of-a-kind, never been done before, and AHHHHMAZING in all ways. DUH. My grade was 100 for both semesters. Best class and best teacher I’ve had, both me obvi, lmao. What can I say other than what great, outstanding work by me as a teacher and student all at once lolz lolz #LOlz.
All I have to say is, though, I was right. Nobody knows your body and your mind better than yourself. I wrote that years ago on here. And from life events from growing up that I wanted to push aside and never deal with, and from life events in high school and college that I also wanted to push aside and never deal with, and from just freaking life as a whole since the womb… things happened. Specifically, and right now especially, since February 10th of 2020.
Too many things to count (but I counted and am continuing to count them because it’s not right for me to have been treated this way by so, so, SO many “professionals”).
I was made to feel like… like I was worthless, like I was a liar when I was telling nothing but the truth, like I was a stupid white girl. I was made to feel like I was crazy, like I was a waste of time, like I was a waste of space, like I was unloveable… and I believed it. SCRATCH THAT (self-editing #amirite)!!! I believed THEM, too.
The very people I came to for help. I believed them when all they did was hurt me. They hurt me so much.
How sad it that?
And I am none of those things. AND even if I was, I should never have been made to feel like an inhumane POS. It was not right. It is not right. It never will be right. I am trying to understand how and why you can be okay with knowing you treated someone like that and not apologizing. I am trying so hard to understand why did you treat me like that? because I just do not understand. But more than anything, truly, I want to.
Despite all of the extreme pain and suffering this has caused me, I’m choosing to once again consider it pure joy. I’m choosing that. Because I owe it to myself. Because…
We hurt where we care, and we care where we hurt.Dr. Steven Hayes
And by the way, I want to say I am so sorry to anyone that has ever felt, ever feels, or ever will feel that way. It’s not a freaking amazing doozy type of feeling. It is the exact opposite type of doozy feeling…
I write all over the place: journals, notes, gratitude journals, papers, everywhere. I’m a vagabond writer at heart. And deep down, I know I’ve always felt like a vagabond person, too: never feeling like I had anyone to turn to or anyone in my corner, never feeling like I belonged anywhere, never feeling like anyone wanted me around, never feeling like anyone loved me or even liked me for that matter… even though all of that wasn’t factually true, I still felt it. And I still continue to feel it.
But I found my way back here… back to where I chose to finally address why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do. I found my way back to where I chose to finally address it because I wanted to understand, and I wanted to change, and for whatever reason that I do not know, I remembered this account, and I came back to see it. Even though I did not want to. I came back to see it. I found my way back here where that journey of my why all started, and I came to see it because I’m still trying to understand myself and why I do everything I do and what the point even is to anything. I found my way back to the crux of, at that point in my life, my entire life’s hurt, my entire life’s pain, my entire life’s brokenness, my entire life’s loneliness, my entire life’s tiredness, and…
And perhaps, perhaps just maybe, this is now actually the moment for which I have been created?
ORRRRR as the people who know much more about the Bible than my younger-grasshopper-highschooler-self might say…. and who knows whether or not you have entered the kingdom for such a time as this ;)? I’ve made some growth. I watered my mustard-seed self. But ONLY once in a blue moon. Still not a #profesh.
It was worth it, though. The suffering from high school was worth it. The Bible was right about that. I’ve seen it in my own life.
ANDDDD I just passed out recently at the start of this year while funneling diet cokes in a McDonald’s parking lot when I found out Dr. Steven Hayes put in the work and found the science to prove it can be done. He proved that you, me, and everyone can overcome their struggles… WITHOUT claiming they will go away like other therapies do. That’s h o n e s t. And that’s what considering it pure joy is to me. That’s what God says, too. And, like I said on here years ago, God is not in the business of giving you the perfect life… I finally feel like I don’t have to choose a side anymore. I finally feel like I can choose both, like there can be unity.
I can forgive while still feeling sad and hurt… potentially for the rest of my life.
I can be Christian while believing the Bible is NOT the literal word of God, rather the living word of God. The living word of God is subject to interpretation and change; it all depends on who is reading it. No one is the same. No one.
I can believe in science and be Christian.
I can believe in God and doubt… which I have done and will continue to do too many times to count.
I can feel scared and follow through anyways.
“And that’s okay. I accept it. COME AT ME bISHEZZZZZ. I ACCEPT IT AND I COMMIT TO USING IT FOR GOOD…”
That is a little rendition of an interpretation of words by God and by Steven Hayes… & by me. Mostly me tho because I do not think first God or second renowned researcher Dr. Steven Hayes would sign off on that. So mostly by me… inspired tho by them. And by everyone who has ever shown me a little kindness. That’s also true: it goes a long a$$ way, being kind. You just never know who needs it. Because God knows I did…I still do… & I always will.
P.S.: Got my name changed back, ya i got my name changed back (Miranda Lambert recently if I do recall from a youtube video). Consideringitpurejoy.com is back. Found a sale $15 for the year. No more consideringitpurejoydotcom.wordpress.com for now lolol and LOL