Tag: faith

Here. (My Thoughts from This Time Last Year)

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Here.

I am here. I am in college, and I am finding that I am having a difficult time. I am having a difficult time because I finally understand what is important. And it is definitely not anything I thought it would be. It is not the amount of hours I am taking this semester. It is not the fact that I have failed to make any new friends. It is not that I have yet to join a club. It is none of these things.

A few months ago, I had it engrained in my head that those were the things I should focus on. I should invest my time into studying, so I could earn a degree. I should be a leader in multiple activities, so I could have numerous ways to meet a variety of people. I should join a sorority, so I could feel a sense of belonging. I should do all of these things to better not only me, but myself and I, as well.

A few months ago, my best friend’s brother was diagnosed with cancer. I did not know what to say. I did not know what to do. I was at a loss for words, actions, emotions. I was at a loss for everything except for prayer. So I prayed. I prayed that I could relate to her. I prayed that I could find the words to say to make it better and the things to do to make it okay. I prayed for three days straight, multiple times a day. My prayers were answered.

When my prayers were answered, I could finally relate. Three days later, and I was praying for God to take back everything I had begged Him for. The answer was not what I wanted. Not at all. Three days later, and my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I now knew there was nothing to say except for God’s truths. I knew there was no action I could make except for simply being with her. I knew that for my entire life, I had lived so selfishly.

I had focused on my grades, my college applications, my sports, my artwork, my social life. Me. I had focused on me. It was like I was driving the car of my life and the blind spots were everything that did not have to do with myself. I was embarrassed, deeply saddened, and confused. I was also willing to change.

I stopped going to events simply to say that I did in fact attend if they did not cause my heart to feel any joy or excitement or peace. I stopped placing my worth in having unmarred marks on my transcript. I stopped basing my success on performance and perfectionism. I began to not just live, but live fully and freely. I began to value things like spending time with the people I love. I began to embrace the many weird, imperfect qualities that I possess. I began to understand the importance of living intentionally.

I do not have infinite time on this earth. I have a predetermined amount. When I die, which everyone does, no one is going to care or even remember the letter grades I received in high school or college. No one is going to think to himself that I really had an outstanding format for my website. Or that I used Times New Roman over Arial font, and it really made all the difference in making my writing seem more classic and timeless. No one is going to remember that on that one Tuesday, I used a seventy-pound kettlebell at the gym instead of sixty pounds. Or that I stayed and completed one more repetition of the circuit instead of doing the recommended amount. No one is going to remember any of those things that seem like absolutely everything in the moment.

When I die, which everyone does, people are going to remember the things that reflect the truths and traits of God. People are going to remember if I treated them with respect and curtesy. People are going to remember if I was patient in the coffee line. People are going to remember if I made them feel whole, worthy, and loved. These are all things that seem so minor and so meaningless in the grand scheme of everything that everyone has going on. But, these are truly the things that are noteworthy, and these are the things that matter.

A few months have gone by, and I still do not know what to say to my friend, her family, and my own family other than what I have already said. I still do not know what to do except be present. But I have learned that is enough. I do not need to do all of these things to make anyone, myself included, feel better or at peace or anything like that. God has said He has already done it. He died so that we may have eternal life, one including all of those things, with Him. He has quite literally finished it.

So, the answer to my previous question is no. God is not going to un-answer my prayers. He is not going to give me the “perfect” life. He is most definitely not in that business. God is in the business of grace. His character is one of forgiveness. One of loving me in spite of the selfishness that engulfed me for so long. God is also in the business of peace. He is quite literally the only thing that provides me with a sense of comfort in this troubling time of uncertainty. He is so good.

I am still here. I am still in college. And I am still having a difficult time. I know what is important, but that does not make it oh-so-easy. It does not mean that I have my whole life figured out, or that I can breeze through my problems without them taking a toll on me. With too many friends to count or without any new friends at all, with desired grades or without a single A, with clubs or without a clear schedule, with or without anything and everything I once held so dear to me, I now know what is important. I now know what is important, and it is most definitely not anything I once thought it was. Not at all.  And I am learning that it is quite okay.

Yo Broz I’ve Fallen, but I Can Get up

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It has hit me. But no I do not want it to hit me baby one more time because I cannot afford another break down as it is my hell week in college, and that means I’ve already experienced 98 meltdowns today alone. It has hit me as to why this period of doubt has been occurring. And you have guessed it peeps, I am here to tell you just what that “why” is.

If you are Christian, it is likely that you have heard of John Piper. I listen to one of his sermons ON REPEAT. Seriously on the weekends, on the rowing machine at the gym, in the car, doing the worm, wherever and whenever. This guy knows his stuff. If he were in high school, he would be leader of FCA I’m sure (eye roll because I was never important/knew enough to be a leader in this club(; ) . But he really is invested in his faith. And he says a lot of really great things. I want to make it known he is definitely someone I look up to for his love of Christ.

Because of this one sermon I watched of his on repeat that really spoke to me, I just accepted the fact that he was probably the most Christian guy to walk the earth right now. I thought he was like THE guy. If John Piper walked up to me, I would have been sure there would be a physical halo around his head, and he would be floating and strumming a harp quite nicely. So of course if I ever had a question in regards to Christianity or my life, I would go look up what John Piper had to say about it. Because obviously this trumps going directly to the LIVING Word of God that is so easily accessible to me (#sarcasmpeepz). So basically, it became so clear that I have been idolizing John Piper for so long without even realizing it until this morning. LIKE WHAT, ME, JOHN PIPER IS NOT JESUS. But for some reason I treated him like he was.

But that has changed. Finding out that John Piper’s views on evolution and on abusive relationships COMPLETELY differ from mine really shocked me. But it also opened my eyes to the fact that this man does not know all of the answers (That is not to say that I do either. Please everyone I just heard the story of David and Goliath in full today lmao). He is an incredible man of God no doubt, but he makes mistakes. He says the incorrect things. He is human. He falls short of the glory of God because John Piper is not God.

And that is exactly why depending on others alone will not allow you to stand on solid rock. It will allow you to be misinformed, misinterpreted, and essentially will allow you to be lead so far away from truth that you end up at an AA meeting begging God to give you a sign that He is even real in the first place. I encourage you reading this to instead of going first to your version of John Piper, whoever that may be, I encourage you instead to seek first the kingdom. Seek first Jesus Christ. And you cannot do that without seeking first His Word. TTYL Homiez.

Focus on the Gospel

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Since becoming Christian at the middle of high school, I have never really doubted. Of course, I have had the occasional “oh my goodness this seems so unfair” when I put money into a soda machine, and nothing comes out (#rude). But in reality, the Gospel is anything but fair. Jesus dying is not fair. It should be us on that cross. It most definitely should be us.

However, this weekend (well starting Thursday night, but same dif), I found myself up all night. Which is crazy considering I have a prescription for sleeping medicine. I was screaming, crying, worrying, calling my old Bible study leader, calling adults from my high school church, and if I had the Pope’s number, you bet your booties I would have speed dialed him so quickly, too. Here’s why.

I am majoring in special education, therefore I am taking a number of education classes. One class in particular is called Critical Issues in Education. So what do we do in there? Talk about critical issues in education. Duh people. On Thursday afternoon, the topic just so happened to be regarding the Texas State Board of Education. There is a man on the board that is EXTREMELY (and I do mean extremely) literal in his interpretations of the Bible. Which, it is his right to be. But the problem we were discussing is that he is trying to push his beliefs into the wording of various textbooks for public schools. Obviously, this is not acceptable for a multitude of reasons. However, he is finessing the system anyways. If I ever go to jail, no doubt his booty is racing to the judge to be my lawyer. The main thing I want to get across though is that one of the things this man believes is that the earth is 6,000 years old. I have never in my life heard this before. So when I did hear, it really shocked me because of all of the evidence that points against it. My entire class and I, professor included, could not wrap our heads around why he believed it. (I want to emphasize again that people’s beliefs are their beliefs, and they can believe what they want whether or not I do, though).

Blahblahblah, the class ended. Later that night I was meeting up with my friend from Bible study. We were catching up and telling each other what we had been up to earlier that day (duh because that’s what friends do). Anyways, I just want to say that at this time, I was unaware that the earth being 6,000 years old was more than just that one man’s belief. In fact, a large amount of people share that opinion (which again is totally their right). So because I was unaware, I say something like oh you know what was really weird is that I heard today in my education class that this Christian guy believes the earth is 6,000 years old. And of course, you guessed it, I should not have said it that way because in fact, she believes this, too. Which, again, is her right. But for some reason this one thing just kept picking away at my faith. If you struggle with anxiety, you will understand that sometimes you just cannot shake a thought, and that thought takes over your entire mind. From this one thought, I somehow found myself believing that if I did not believe everything the same exact way she did, that it meant that I was actually not Christian (which is untrue).

This one minor topic got me extremely upset and anxious, and if I am being honest, I was (and am wrestling with it still) in a season of doubt for the first time in my Christian life (it has gotten quite a bit better, but I am not that far into the story yet geez people). Finally, after a Thursday night of intensive worries and sadness and fear and doubt, I broke down in the dining hall. Yup, every last brussel sprout was DRENCHED in my salty af tears. You know that feeling where you just want so badly to believe, but you are doubting so much? That was how I felt. #SUE #ME.

A few hours later, I decided to go to the gym because #gainz always relieve some stress for me especially when they come from dank workouts. I was still a complete and utter wreck. I prayed GOD PLEASE IF YOU ARE REAL SHOW ME A SIGN. And I meant it from the bottom of my heart. Before I go on I would just like to say that God and I have a lot of inside jokes, which I will write about in another post. But keep that in mind. So I passed by some church I have never been to, and I see two men inside. I think oh my goodness it is a sign. I must go inside! So here I am, sobbing pretty much, going into this random church facility. I go up to the two men, who were covered in tattoos and leather, and I ask them if they are the priests. Of course because God has my sense of humor and we have inside jokes that I will write about later, these people were not in fact priests. They were there for the AA meeting that was about to start. (seriously LOL) This AA meeting was spiritual, they told me. It was not specifically Christian, but I was desperate and at this point would take any advice from any older figure. They pointed me back to God, but I had been up all night reading and watching videos about specifics, and honestly just needed to talk to someone who knew the Bible a whole lot better than I do.

I was about to leave, but then one of the men told me I could stay and just be around people and listen to the AA meeting because he did not want me to make any rash decisions if I left and was alone with my thoughts. So of course because I just found it hysterical I was at an AA meeting and was also that girl who NEVER drank in high school (different story in college), I stayed for the heck of it. Well thank The Lord I did. When the meeting ended, the same man that invited me told me that the older gentleman that was at the meeting has actually been a minister for the past fifty years and taught religion at well-known university for twenty years. He also said he would be willing to talk with me.

So, let’s say, Ted was this INCREDIBLE man I got to speak with at a Waffle House the next day. I told him everything. Literally every last detail. He was probably bored from the specifics, but I just had to get everything out to him.(luhhh you Ted). And his advice and wisdom CHANGED MY LIFE. He told me that because I live in the South, a lot of people are going to interpret the Bible literally, but it does not make me “not Christian” if I do not view it in the same way. He told me that he doesn’t take a lot of the things in the Bible literally like how I do not, and he still is Christian. And I know that sounds obvious, but it was not to me. And side-note his personal story rocked my world, as well. But it is not mine to tell.

The point of this is that I have never been exposed to open-handed issues in the Bible because I am so, so new to Christianity. It does not come easy for me, and I do not know all that much. Because of this, I did not know people believed things very differently. But, what I did see first-hand is how these differences can wreck faith; it crushed mine for those few days. And what Ted reminded me is that it is the Gospel that is important. These open-handed issues do not change the fact that Jesus died on the cross so that we may have eternal life with Him. They just don’t. And for that, it is well with my soul.

gone, gone, gone (to the theme of that song from American Idol)

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There comes a point in time where one will question the purpose of life and the things that they are doing. For many, this occurs after college. After they have outgrown the party phase. After they have gotten their degree. After they hit their midlife crisis. For me, this point happened in 2016 at the end of high school. And while 2016 was without a doubt the most difficult year of my life, I have ultimately developed as a person because of it. For that, I am grateful.

I will spare everyone the details of some of the major crises that were piled on to me this past year because frankly, I do not really think the 43 followers on here care so much as to read through my exact thoughts and feelings. I do not even know if anyone will read through this entire post. But I do want to touch on one thing. That one thing is Jesus.

I do not know if I would have survived this past year if I did not know the Lord. Jesus is hope. And He is home. Life here is not forever, and ultimately, fixing our eyes on worldly things will not get us anywhere. Somewhere in the Bible (not sure where because I am not a nun sorry #notsorry) it says naked we come and naked we leave. We came into this world with nothing. We leave with nothing. Not your career, not your social media following, not your body, not your food, not your clothing, not your new Christmas gifts. Nothing. That in itself should tell you one thing. That focusing on anything pertaining to this world is useless.

Today, I found myself questioning why I am doing the things that I am doing. I found myself asking if the things I am doing are ultimately glorifying the Lord. For a lot of these things, the answer is a bold and astonishing no. And I didn’t even realize it until I took a step back and looked at my life from an eternal standpoint.

For one thing, having multiple social media accounts like my “fitstagram” did not serve any true purpose for me. I spent a lot of time looking at people for no reason really at all. I spent a lot of time liking photos of friends that I did not even really know that well. And we all know I spent a lot of time tagging everyone in dank memes. Basically, that time could have been spent elsewhere, and I am sure something greater than giving Sally her 100th like on her selfie could have come from that time.

I am not saying that now I want everyone and their mothers to delete all of their social media because I did. Also let’s be honest, even if I did, that one family who posts literally 92948 times a day updating people on their every last action on Facebook would downright refuse this request. I am just saying that being more intentional with my time is a great lesson I have learned this year. You never know when you are going to die. You really do not. Time is so precious. You do not get it back. Focus on things above.

Exercising with My Homie J

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If you are anything like me, you have an attention span that is shorter than my natural eyelashes. Meaning, it just does not exist. Because of this, doing cardio on any sort of machine is actually the equivalent to drinking bleach. Not exaggerating whatsoever. Sometimes, I even feel like funneling that bleach right on the elliptical because it is seriously that excruciating.

The only way that I have been able to get through my cardio recently is going to shock everyone. Seriously, take a seat. This advice is coming from the same girl that stumbled into her youth pastor while she was drunk downtown back in her partying days (I would not expect anything else with my luck, honestly). But, this advice has changed the cardio game forever.

You know that Bible app? Ya, the same one my good friend deleted to make room for Tinder (Again, I never claimed to be among saints over here). Well, it turns out that it is the most useful app I own. Shocking, I know.

First of all, you can listen to an audio version of the Bible on this app. Like whaaaa? Technology these days always keeping me young at my ripe, old age of 19. It gets better. You can change the voice to have a British accent. It is basically like you are listening to a cute guy read the verses right in front of Big Ben nomsaynnn’ gals?

Anyways, what I like to do is hop onto one of the cardio machines (lately have been choosing the rowing machine because it feels the most outdoorsy, and I am trying my best to be more granola) and listen. Not listen to music. Not listen to youtube. Not listen to Netflix (although One Tree Hill will ALWAYS be my back-up). Listen to The Word.

What is truly incredible about The Word of God is that it is living. It can LITERALLY change you. And I don’t mean change you into train wreck dumpster fire garbage arugula salad. I mean Jesus has the power to make you alive. Jesus literally turns the dead alive. That always amazes me. Even more than the googley eyes on ice-cream do.

And if you are already Christian, if you have already accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, The Word can help you in your walk, or if you are like me, your extremely slow shuffle with Jesus. There is so much it can do, and I wish I was a nun or something (okay no I don’t, but you get the point), so I could more accurately describe all of its potential.

Please everyone I am begging you all to find a way to let me know what your favorite book of the Bible is so that during my next row down the Nile (also known as the stationary spot facing a brick wall at my gym), I can listen and meditate on it!

Way Up Feelin #Blessed

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Want to know what is cool? No, it is not those mittens that double as gloves when you take the tops off, although you KNOW darn well I have multiple pairs of those babies. It is not even the OG girl scout cookie, mint chip ice-cream from Bruster’s only available during the spring months. The longer I live, the more I realize that Jesus is the coolest, most incredible (ya, I only know descriptive adjectives on the second grade level 😉 ) God imaginable.

As I sit here on my futon in my dorm room avoiding studying for finals as any girl with borderline grades should not be doing, I cannot help but to be overwhelmed by Jesus. Overwhelmed by the sacrifices He made for not only me, but for each and every one of us. And I cannot help but to be hopeful.

I am so hopeful that there is purpose in all of this suffering. I am so hopeful that God truly does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. I am so hopeful that Jesus is exactly who He says He is.

So now as I peel the blankets off of me and head on to what feels like a seventy-three mile walk to the library (in reality it is probably .2 miles), I will probably shed a few tears of joy knowing that The King of the universe gave His one and only Son so that I may have eternal life. (Ya again, I am a #weaksauce from time to time. No shame.)

I want to leave the one to two readers of this blog with this verse because it is truly one of the dankest, and it has truly been carrying me through these past few months. Let me know which verse you have been digging recently!

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light, momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” – 2Corinthians 4:16-18

Catching up on the Basic B Stories (and by Basic B I mean Basic Bible) ;)

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A few weeks ago, I found myself in the gospel of Mark, which is pretty unusual for me because I tend to float more towards Esther when I am just reading the Bible for the heck of it. This is obviously due to the fact she is actually a boss ass b. Fight me on that one. Anyways, I grew up avoiding church at all costs. I did not want to be associated with what I considered to be boring, unfunny, judgmental people. Because of this, when I was supposed to be at church learning about God per my dad’s requests, I would actually be driving to local smoothie and acai bowl restaurants and sipping those dranks and snacks instead. Ya, I was a holy mofo.

Long story short, I missed out on a lot of what is considered to be common knowledge to Christians. So when I started reading Mark 8:1-13, which is titled Jesus Feeds the Four Thousand, I was honestly blown away. Not even like a little hair caught on your chapstick blown away; I am talking full-force, Carrie Underwood soundtrack Blown Away people.

I live in Athens, which is a college town. Downtown Athens happens to be filled with numerous homeless individuals. If you know me, you know that for some unknown reason, homeless people really have a special place in my heart. Not kidding, if I just see a homeless person, there is a good chance I will start crying because it just breaks my heart. I’m a #weaksauce for real.

ANYWAYS, in this passage I was reading, the first thing that Jesus says to these people without food or anything at all before He performs this miracle is that He has compassion on them. He does not ask why they are in the position that they are in. He does not ask why they do not have jobs. He does not ask if they do drugs. He does not ask if they spent their money frivolously, and that is why they are in the position they are in. No. The first thing that my God does is have compassion on them. (My God is also a #boss).

I know it can be hard to simply have compassion, especially if you live in a place where common advice is quite the contrary… if it is that if you do not like the way your life is going, change it. I know because I have received that advice so often. It can be hard if everyone around you, yourself included, has never been in the situation as the one struggling. Heck, having compassion can be difficult for a number of reasons. But it can be done. Jesus has shown that it is not only possible, but it has happened. Having compassion as a reflex has happened.

Jesus is hinting at me (and by hinting at me I mean throwing a microwave at my head) through all of this passage to make compassion my reflex.

This really has quite literally nothing to do with the gym or anything like that, but it is a lot more important. Life is but a breath. Focus on things above. Focus on The Lord. But still do not forget to focus on the #gainz amirite ;).

 

I’m Back Bishez

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Ello mates (Yes, I’m Australian now)! It has literally been half a year. How the time flies when you are easily distracted. Recently, I have been receiving a lot of DMs and messages on Instagram regarding recovery, weight gain, etc. Probably because I am so popular and cool lolz. I have come to the realization that I could simply make blog posts about this ish, so my thoughts are a lot clearer and direct when I respond and not thrown together with horrific grammar.

First of all, some people have been commenting on my pictures from literally over a year ago, so I have had the chance to reread my captions from when I was extremely mentally unstable (lolz). I would like to publicly apologize for a lot of what I have posted. Specifying my calories and weight to the public was very ignorant and selfish of me. Coming from years of struggling with various eating disorders, I fully understand how harmful that can be to girls and boys who end up both consciously and subconsciously comparing their intakes and weights to mine. Every single person is so incredibly different. Everyone’s set-point weights are so different. For me to just go about posting this ish for the sole purpose of other people commenting things like “OMG no you’re totally skinny” was so selfish. I am very embarrassed and ashamed because I know better than that. So I am truly sorry to anyone who read those or followed me or even knew me during this time period #imactuallysrythistime.

Moving on, I have decided to write one blog post a week about recovery and how to go about it. I am calling this series of posts “Bad Bishez Recover” because I can. Also, I am not paying another $26 to get my old domain back. I am too poor WordPress. Cry about it.

Okay bye bishezzzzz,

Me (Best gal on insta)

Ballad to My Freakin Salad

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So many people hate on salads. I think there may actually be a petition to eliminate all salad from the entire universe. I can understand why. Lettuce has pretty much no taste. If there is a taste, it is a vivid one comprising of dirt and maybe some rotten fungus. I am here to tell you this- salad does NOT have to be like this. Give it time, you will be able to change your thoughts on this seemingly pointless food creation.

First of all, you are going to want dressing. It disguises the taste of a leaf into a taste that leaves your old taste buds happy. My favorite dressing is lite Caesar dressing. It is all the fun of regular Caesar dressing with half the fat and what not. If you prefer regular dressing, that is completely fine. The more taste, the better.

The next step is choosing the dreaded freaking leaf. If you hate all salad, I would not suggest filling your bowl with kale right off the bat. I mean, it is a greener leaf, so the taste will be stronger. It will also possess more nutrients, but I say what the hay! Choose the leaf YOU want. There is more to life than how green your salad is everyone. Maybe you can work your way up to kale. Whatevs. I choose romaine lettuce because I like the crunchiness that comes along with it. By NO means is it chip crunchy. It is more of a wannabe crunch.

Finally, choose your toppings. I choose grated cheese and croutons because again, it helps with giving the old leaves some taste. There is nothing worse than biting straight into salad that has no taste. I would compare it to being burned alive… You just don’t want to have to go through that. Obviously, you then mix together the ingredients and eat it.

So all in all, this recipe is an elite one that I totally made up on my own. People call it “Caesar Salad”. Give it a whirl in your kitchen. You may actually come to love the simplicity of eating dirt infested leaves!

CAll me, beep me, if you wanna reach me,

Me

P.S.: My workouts are still great. I am still feeling the burn. I still feel pushed. Yada, yada, yada, I would not change anything.