Well Shit

Where do you go for help when you’re yourself when you’ve looked everywhere for help?

How do you find anyone on Earth to help you if you’ve asked everyone you know?

How do people make it through life lmao because wtf why did I raise myself with no guidance? I mean… Kudos me you did better than you realized you did. But you probably should’ve been placed up for adoption, and you know that lolz.

And if you bring this up to anyone who’s aware of your immediate family, they wouldn’t believe you because abusers don’t abuse in public and they don’t abuse everyone.

It’s blunt, and it’s not all terrible. But damn just want a smidgen of a break over here haha.

Best of luck to me!

Love,

Me of course!

Okay So… Sorz I Change My Mind Again

I’ve decided I do believe in the idea of God. But like not in the Bible sort of way. I don’t know. Don’t really care to explain either. But I’m rereading some notes from people, and it has impacted me. I have MY opinion on what that means. And honestly, I don’t know the specifics yet.

However, I do know I believe in something. Otherwise, I don’t find the point. I’ll figure it out. My mind on this changes a lot. I think that’s good though. You don’t want to be so set on your opinion that it impacts your ability to consider new information.

SOOOOO… ya that’s a good thing for me right now.

And if you go back and forth… AS YOU SHOULD!!!!!!!!! New information should always be considered… duh bishez.

woo for moiiiiiiii

Alright… toodles mofoz.

On the Bright Side, Though

I am rereading some of the papers I wrote throughout my time during undergrad, and I admire my willingness to write about the exact opposite of what some professors wanted just to see what they’d do. Rereading my U.S. history paper is making me laugh SO hard right now because WHY would I argue that side???

Like bruh… I’m not stupid I know women weren’t treated well back then. But get over it already because they should have been. My argument will make you reconsider because I already thought through ever counterargument you have. And it probably did because it was a quality paper.

“You won’t get an A if you choose that perspective.”

Literally did I ever mention to you I cared about this class? I don’t thinkkkkkk so because I didn’t. Like please was I even there on the days attendance wasn’t required? If not, I didn’t care. And I wasn’t, so I didn’t.

SOOOOOOO I’m still choosing that side even if I don’t believe a word I’m writing. And I did. #lolZ

He wasn’t flexing though. I didn’t get an A on that paper that honestly deserved at least an A-.

Here. (My Thoughts from This Time Last Year)

Here.

I am here. I am in college, and I am finding that I am having a difficult time. I am having a difficult time because I finally understand what is important. And it is definitely not anything I thought it would be. It is not the amount of hours I am taking this semester. It is not the fact that I have failed to make any new friends. It is not that I have yet to join a club. It is none of these things.

A few months ago, I had it engrained in my head that those were the things I should focus on. I should invest my time into studying, so I could earn a degree. I should be a leader in multiple activities, so I could have numerous ways to meet a variety of people. I should join a sorority, so I could feel a sense of belonging. I should do all of these things to better not only me, but myself and I, as well.

A few months ago, my best friend’s brother was diagnosed with cancer. I did not know what to say. I did not know what to do. I was at a loss for words, actions, emotions. I was at a loss for everything except for prayer. So I prayed. I prayed that I could relate to her. I prayed that I could find the words to say to make it better and the things to do to make it okay. I prayed for three days straight, multiple times a day. My prayers were answered.

When my prayers were answered, I could finally relate. Three days later, and I was praying for God to take back everything I had begged Him for. The answer was not what I wanted. Not at all. Three days later, and my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I now knew there was nothing to say except for God’s truths. I knew there was no action I could make except for simply being with her. I knew that for my entire life, I had lived so selfishly.

I had focused on my grades, my college applications, my sports, my artwork, my social life. Me. I had focused on me. It was like I was driving the car of my life and the blind spots were everything that did not have to do with myself. I was embarrassed, deeply saddened, and confused. I was also willing to change.

I stopped going to events simply to say that I did in fact attend if they did not cause my heart to feel any joy or excitement or peace. I stopped placing my worth in having unmarred marks on my transcript. I stopped basing my success on performance and perfectionism. I began to not just live, but live fully and freely. I began to value things like spending time with the people I love. I began to embrace the many weird, imperfect qualities that I possess. I began to understand the importance of living intentionally.

I do not have infinite time on this earth. I have a predetermined amount. When I die, which everyone does, no one is going to care or even remember the letter grades I received in high school or college. No one is going to think to himself that I really had an outstanding format for my website. Or that I used Times New Roman over Arial font, and it really made all the difference in making my writing seem more classic and timeless. No one is going to remember that on that one Tuesday, I used a seventy-pound kettlebell at the gym instead of sixty pounds. Or that I stayed and completed one more repetition of the circuit instead of doing the recommended amount. No one is going to remember any of those things that seem like absolutely everything in the moment.

When I die, which everyone does, people are going to remember the things that reflect the truths and traits of God. People are going to remember if I treated them with respect and curtesy. People are going to remember if I was patient in the coffee line. People are going to remember if I made them feel whole, worthy, and loved. These are all things that seem so minor and so meaningless in the grand scheme of everything that everyone has going on. But, these are truly the things that are noteworthy, and these are the things that matter.

A few months have gone by, and I still do not know what to say to my friend, her family, and my own family other than what I have already said. I still do not know what to do except be present. But I have learned that is enough. I do not need to do all of these things to make anyone, myself included, feel better or at peace or anything like that. God has said He has already done it. He died so that we may have eternal life, one including all of those things, with Him. He has quite literally finished it.

So, the answer to my previous question is no. God is not going to un-answer my prayers. He is not going to give me the “perfect” life. He is most definitely not in that business. God is in the business of grace. His character is one of forgiveness. One of loving me in spite of the selfishness that engulfed me for so long. God is also in the business of peace. He is quite literally the only thing that provides me with a sense of comfort in this troubling time of uncertainty. He is so good.

I am still here. I am still in college. And I am still having a difficult time. I know what is important, but that does not make it oh-so-easy. It does not mean that I have my whole life figured out, or that I can breeze through my problems without them taking a toll on me. With too many friends to count or without any new friends at all, with desired grades or without a single A, with clubs or without a clear schedule, with or without anything and everything I once held so dear to me, I now know what is important. I now know what is important, and it is most definitely not anything I once thought it was. Not at all.  And I am learning that it is quite okay.

My Middle Name is STOOOOPIDB

Yesterday night, I had the wonderful idea to sign up for personal training at 5 in the morning today. I am very aware that it is normal to workout in the morning, but for me, it is a huge stretch. Like, I would normally rather place my hand onto a hot stove for twenty-seven hours than be at the gym at that time. Let’s be honest, I am not too great to be around before the sun rises unless you like looking at things that resemble monsters and ugliness.

But, I had this weird feeling in my soul that I was meant to workout at this time today. Probably because I like the idea of being one of those people who has their lives together and works out in the mornings and wears lulu lemon. When my alarm went off at 4:20 (blaze it sista frans amirite), I actually wanted to fall to my knees and sob. Instead, I put on my junior shirt from high school, which is totally the exact same thing as lulu lemon, and marched my butt to my electric vehicle. You know, the one all the cool kids are driving these days.

I got to the gym. I did the workout. My butt is now so sore I cannot even tell you this feeling I am experiencing. I am walking like there is a literal twig up my ass. I think I need to call an ambulance to take my to the walgreens urgent care if it gets more severe in the next few hours.

So, all is fine at this point. I am totally just a gal who has it all together since I worked out at this time. My life is totally not in shambles because of this one thing I did one time only. I sit on my couch, and pass the actual heck out. Not even my mom yelling at me to stop being lazy could wake me up. And her voice resembles like a mean Billy Ray Cyrus yelling if he was not country. It is brutal basically.

I wake up from my amazing slumber, look down at my phone, and realize it is 9:57. I am supposed to workout at 10. I look down at my outfit, realize I am wearing the same one as yesterday, change faster than I ever have, and race my butt to the gym. I have never decided on an outfit faster. It was truly a miracle.

When I get to the gym, I see my phone and realize that it is still the same day. It is still Friday. I had worked out four hours earlier. My dumb butt thought I slept through an entire day and woken up tomorrow. I actually wanted to take an axe to my neck, chop my head off, and throw it into a local canal because of all of the unnecessary stress I caused myself.

All in mother freaking all, I am quite the dumb b.

Have you had any experiences like mine? Let a b know!

 

Way Up Feelin #Blessed

Want to know what is cool? No, it is not those mittens that double as gloves when you take the tops off, although you KNOW darn well I have multiple pairs of those babies. It is not even the OG girl scout cookie, mint chip ice-cream from Bruster’s only available during the spring months. The longer I live, the more I realize that Jesus is the coolest, most incredible (ya, I only know descriptive adjectives on the second grade level 😉 ) God imaginable.

As I sit here on my futon in my dorm room avoiding studying for finals as any girl with borderline grades should not be doing, I cannot help but to be overwhelmed by Jesus. Overwhelmed by the sacrifices He made for not only me, but for each and every one of us. And I cannot help but to be hopeful.

I am so hopeful that there is purpose in all of this suffering. I am so hopeful that God truly does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. I am so hopeful that Jesus is exactly who He says He is.

So now as I peel the blankets off of me and head on to what feels like a seventy-three mile walk to the library (in reality it is probably .2 miles), I will probably shed a few tears of joy knowing that The King of the universe gave His one and only Son so that I may have eternal life. (Ya again, I am a #weaksauce from time to time. No shame.)

I want to leave the one to two readers of this blog with this verse because it is truly one of the dankest, and it has truly been carrying me through these past few months. Let me know which verse you have been digging recently!

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light, momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” – 2Corinthians 4:16-18

I Eat ERRRRYTHANGGG

Hello bishes. It’s been more than a week… SUE ME. I’ve been extremely busy as per usual, so there really is no excuse. But I am realllllly fired up about this topic of diets. I will try to control myself but um💁🏼. 

First of all, I am honestly BAFFLED as to how it is now more common to be vegan or vegetarian or paleo or gluten free or whatever the heck it may be than to just be. In my house alone, I have vegan, a vegetarian, and someone who is weird about sugar. No, none of these things are bad per say. Actually, I was vegan for four months and vegetarian for 2&1/2 years until the day I started prepping for my first competition. But, these diets are restricting. Very restricting. If you are recovering from any sort of restrictive ED, then you don’t need to be following them until you are mentally recovered. After that, do whatever the heck you want with your intake as long as you aren’t using these diets to restrict. 

For me, being vegan was easy. It allowed me to be in control and whatever. Same with vegetarianism. It just allows you to restrict certain food groups with no questions asked. No one concerns themselves with why you aren’t eating specific foods because it is the new normal to do so. I don’t even know why. This is very harmful because it is comfortable to stay within this diet, thus you are staying comfortable in restriction. You will make little to no mental progress. You’ll be mentally confined. The day I started prepping for my first competition is the day i made a lot of progress because I was forced to eat meat and a high fat macro split, both groups I used to avoid. Now I cannot imagine a day without minimum 4 TBLS of peanut butter and chicken with hot sauce. 

Basically, restricting certain foods or food groups and justifying it with veganism or paleo eating or whatever is not normal or healthy. Sorry. It isn’t. Although society now views all these types of diets as normal, know that you don’t have to follow them. Everyone is different and everyone’s backgrounds are different. I would never encourage anyone who has any sort of restrictive behaviors to jump on any of these diet band wagons. No food should ever be viewed as bad or off limits. Life is too short to ban carbs or fats or proteins or eggs or meat or cake. Live fully and just be an everything eater in moderation. Healthy is a relative term and no one knows your body and mindset better than you. K BYEEEE
My cabinet of fats above. 

Some icecream I had for breakfast above. 

I love all food groups and will never restrict any foods ever again lol🍦🍕💕🤘🏽🤑

Totes Good Advice!!!!

Okay, well I am sitting in my school’s auditorium for the next hour waiting for everyone to finish their finals because I finished mine a tad early lol (hopefully a good thing😜). I thought, Me, what the heck you might as well write a post now while you have this chunk of time. 
I am going to touch on the importance of who you are following on social media and how who I follow and used to follow have impacted my own recovery K BISHEZ. 
Over the past year and even few weeks, I’ve really come to monitor who I am following. THIS IS VERY CRUCIAL. I really suggest following people who have already reached your goals, who are smarter than you, who are where you want to be. This is because you will not grow if you are surrounding your thoughts and mind with images and texts from people who don’t challenge you. The saying goes, “If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room”. You need to apply that to social media. 
For example, if you’re trying to gain weight to reach weight restoration in recovery, you do NOT need to be following extremely underweight girls or boys. Like HELLLLLOOOOO. Why would you purposely cloud your mind with images of people who are going to hold you back? Follow people who are healthy weights and have healthy eating and exercising patterns.  
If you are a healthy weight DONT FREAKING FOLLOW girls and guys that are always posting about how they want to lose weight or are extremely large. Follow people who are comfortable in their own skin. You need to focus on your recovery, because without recovery you’ll be stuck with your eating disorder forever. NOT FUNNNN. One, five, ten, twenty years down the road do you want to be hospitalized thinking man I really should have given it my all back then. I’ve wasted MY WHOLE LIFE living with an eating disorder. Didn’t think so BISHEzz. 
Recently, I’ve had to unfollow some people that I consider to be friends with on social media. Was this hard? DUH BISHES. But it had to be done. I am not trying to hold onto my past. I needed to suck it up, face the challenge, and continue on with my recovery. Eating disorders are NOT a choice by ANY means, but recovery IS. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE FREE MENTALLY. It is true. 
By unfollowing certain people and following others, it has helped me realize life is more than being underweight and miserable. It is more than only eating clean food every single meal ever. It is more than exercising every hour of every day. These things do not and will not fulfill you. I really encourage you to evaluate who you’re following and how following them makes you feel and adjust the list accordingly. IT CAN CHANGE YOOOOOO LIFE💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿. 

Protein Bars That Don’t Make You Want to Scorch Your Open Wounds in Vinegar

Everyone and his mother is OBSESSED with protein bars. Every single #fitspo has some sort of coupon code for his protein bar that he claims to be the best ever to grace the earth. Well, do I have a shock for you.

99% of these protein bars taste like I just licked the absolute bottom of Gwen Stefani’s shoe, which probably means I am licking Blake Shelton’s shoe as well. And… SURPRISE! I am actually a guest judge on The Voice.

Anyways, I had to be immediately rushed to the ER after consuming these healthy and tasty “protein” creations. Not to mention that they left me clinging onto stomach thinking I had some sort of ulcer erupting inside of me.

That is why I am here to let you know that you’re not alone in the search for the perfect protein bar. I am here. I am a shoulder to lean on during these tough times. We WILL get through this.

Here is what you should without a single doubt in your mind be looking for in a protein bar:

  1. Make sure there is actually a trace of protein in your bar. I suggest at least 10g. Honestly though, I cringe and even tear up if there is not exactly and precisely 15g in my bar MINIMUM. Otherwise, you are eating a Snickers. I for one, think Snickers are the epitome of sewage. 
  2. Make sure there is not a crap ton of sugar in your bar. We are not trying to lasso in diabetes over here. You are not in the Wild West. 
  3. Make sure there is not a raging amount of fat in your bar. The point of a protein bar is to consume protein. There is a time and place for fat consumption. 
  4. Make sure the calories aren’t unnecessarily high. This is not a meal people… It is a mother freaking protein bar!
  5. Make sure you like the taste. If you do not want to face plant into this bar at least once a day, kick that bar to the curb.

Overall, protein bars can and will leave you feeling like you just gave birth to a ton of artificial garbage. My favorite protein bars that don’t do that are power crunch bars, cliff builder bars, and pure protein caramel bars. Honestly, quest bars are really overrated and the new formula caused my spleen to absolutely explode. If you can afford those, I say what the hay! But beware you could cause some SERIOUS stomach damage. 

Let me know what your favorite protein bars are!

Pce & mother friggin blezzinz,

Me

 

Off me ol chest (yes I’m Irish now)

These days, everyone’s an expert on everything. Everyone knows everything on every subject, and if I know one thing it’s that everyone knows more than me. 

Well, guess what? 

Not everyone is an expert. Hearing a piece of information from a friend who probably knows very little does not qualify you to dish out advice. Sorry people, it’s the truth. 

I think it’s easy to say “it’s been scientifically proven” or “every person in the field does this”. Well just because one person you know does it does NOT mean everyone does it. Just because you add “oh it’s been scientifically proven” to the end of your sentences does NOT mean it has been scientifically proven. Ya, maybe that you are saying inaccurate statements. No, not your advice. 

So guess what?!?! You get to do your own research. Read. Read. Read. Not some crappy article written by a brand telling you oh this brand is going to change your life. It works. PEOPLE THOSE ARE LIES. 

READ SCHOLARLY ARTICLES. READ FACTS. READ SCIENCE. READ UNBIASED INFORMATION. 

6-8 glasses of water a day came out of someone’s butt. No science backing this claim. In fact, when it was tested, there was no evidence to even support it. Yet EVERRRRYONe needs to be drinking this much or else you’ll die of dehydration. Ya right. People get in the KNOW. 

Soooooo Michelle Obama’s “drink up” campaign just makes her look uninformed now… Good intentions gone awry because of failure to do research. 

If there is one thing to take away from this, it is that do NOT trust people’s opinions even if they add the words “fact”, “true”, and “science” throughout the conversation. Don’t do it. Trust SCIENCE. Trust facts. Trust knowledge. It is in fact power people. 

Swan dives off soapbox

Thank you and goodnight everyone.

Pce & blezzinz always & 5eva,

Me