So here we are. You and me. Together at a local restaurant. I am here to spend some quality time with you. Listen to your life, your problems, your blessings, your extremely embarrassing moments that are haunting you, but the ones that you just have to share.

I look down at my menu, and I see a fish sandwich. Totally delicious. Just totally. The waiter absolutely DASHES over to the table. He actually went into full on sprint mode, but I digress. He asks what I would like. I cut him off faster than Kanye could have. I obviously order the sandwich and fries… Obviously.

Baby, I can see your haloooo

But then, then something happens. You happen. You have something to say; I cannot wait to hear! I truly cannot.

You start with I’m actually an all natural, carb free, gluten free, GMO free, meat free, fried free, taste free, satisfaction free vegan. How wonderful for you! You are truly a health MODULEEEE. You continue on about how you are really saving the earth. You would consider yourself a young Michelle Obama or something along those lines. You talk about how it’s way (and you add extra emphasis on way) better to be vegan or else you are an animal killer. An animal mass murderer. AN ANIMAL AL CAPONE. You talk about how your meal is extraordinarily healthy. You talk about how many ~~great~~ benefits you are reaping from your healthy lifestyle, even though you haven’t had protein since Nickelback was popular (aka NEVER), you have been eating swedish fish every five minutes (NUTRITIOUS), and your idea of a vegetable is mint flavored coconut icecream. Lovely.

You- COMPLETELY spot on!!

All I can say is wow. You are so healthy. You are just like Jillian Michaels. JUST FREAKING LIKE HER. I would like to single-handedly pat you on the back, give you a ribbon, and nominate you for Time’s “Person of the Year”. You are a total rockstar. THANK YOU for sharing. So much. So, so, so much. I am incredibly enlightened and inspired, will throw in the towel of my sandwich, and convert to your plate of ice. A. S. A. P.

Enjoy, ya bish!