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Turns Out I’m NOT a CRAZY MOFO… just a MOFO.

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Just a mofo. More to come.

Hopefully not more than a year and a half later, but more to come. That is my word, and I am holding myself to it… but without a timeline this time, as I had back when I created this account for… for… (I don’t even want to say it because it makes me laugh so hard)… a school C O U R S E HAHHAHA. The course was directed studies. I directed myself to do what I wanted. Loved that class. Best part? You grade yourself because you direct yourself. My grade? Perfect. Why? Because clearly from this account I am perfect, incredible, one-of-a-kind, never been done before, and AHHHHMAZING in all ways. DUH. My grade was 100 for both semesters. Best class and best teacher I’ve had, both me obvi, lmao. What can I say other than what great, outstanding work by me as a teacher and student all at once lolz lolz #LOlz.

All I have to say is, though, I was right. Nobody knows your body and your mind better than yourself. I wrote that years ago on here. And from life events from growing up that I wanted to push aside and never deal with, and from life events in high school and college that I also wanted to push aside and never deal with, and from just freaking life as a whole since the womb… things happened. Specifically, and right now especially, since February 10th of 2020.

Many things.

Too many things to count (but I counted and am continuing to count them because it’s not right for me to have been treated this way by so, so, SO many “professionals”).

I was made to feel like… like I was worthless, like I was a liar when I was telling nothing but the truth, like I was a stupid white girl. I was made to feel like I was crazy, like I was a waste of time, like I was a waste of space, like I was unloveable… and I believed it. SCRATCH THAT (self-editing #amirite)!!! I believed THEM, too.

The very people I came to for help. I believed them when all they did was hurt me. They hurt me so much.

How sad it that?

And I am none of those things. AND even if I was, I should never have been made to feel like an inhumane POS. It was not right. It is not right. It never will be right. I am trying to understand how and why you can be okay with knowing you treated someone like that and not apologizing. I am trying so hard to understand why did you treat me like that? because I just do not understand. But more than anything, truly, I want to.

Despite all of the extreme pain and suffering this has caused me, I’m choosing to once again consider it pure joy. I’m choosing that. Because I owe it to myself. Because…

We hurt where we care, and we care where we hurt.

Dr. Steven Hayes

And by the way, I want to say I am so sorry to anyone that has ever felt, ever feels, or ever will feel that way. It’s not a freaking amazing doozy type of feeling. It is the exact opposite type of doozy feeling…

I write all over the place: journals, notes, gratitude journals, papers, everywhere. I’m a vagabond writer at heart. And deep down, I know I’ve always felt like a vagabond person, too: never feeling like I had anyone to turn to or anyone in my corner, never feeling like I belonged anywhere, never feeling like anyone wanted me around, never feeling like anyone loved me or even liked me for that matter… even though all of that wasn’t factually true, I still felt it. And I still continue to feel it.

But I found my way back here… back to where I chose to finally address why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do. I found my way back to where I chose to finally address it because I wanted to understand, and I wanted to change, and for whatever reason that I do not know, I remembered this account, and I came back to see it. Even though I did not want to. I came back to see it. I found my way back here where that journey of my why all started, and I came to see it because I’m still trying to understand myself and why I do everything I do and what the point even is to anything. I found my way back to the crux of, at that point in my life, my entire life’s hurt, my entire life’s pain, my entire life’s brokenness, my entire life’s loneliness, my entire life’s tiredness, and…

And perhaps, perhaps just maybe, this is now actually the moment for which I have been created?

Perhaps.

ORRRRR as the people who know much more about the Bible than my younger-grasshopper-highschooler-self might say…. and who knows whether or not you have entered the kingdom for such a time as this ;)? I’ve made some growth. I watered my mustard-seed self. But ONLY once in a blue moon. Still not a #profesh.

It was worth it, though. The suffering from high school was worth it. The Bible was right about that. I’ve seen it in my own life.

ANDDDD I just passed out recently at the start of this year while funneling diet cokes in a McDonald’s parking lot when I found out Dr. Steven Hayes put in the work and found the science to prove it can be done. He proved that you, me, and everyone can overcome their struggles… WITHOUT claiming they will go away like other therapies do. That’s h o n e s t. And that’s what considering it pure joy is to me. That’s what God says, too. And, like I said on here years ago, God is not in the business of giving you the perfect life… I finally feel like I don’t have to choose a side anymore. I finally feel like I can choose both, like there can be unity.

I can forgive while still feeling sad and hurt… potentially for the rest of my life.

I can be Christian while believing the Bible is NOT the literal word of God, rather the living word of God. The living word of God is subject to interpretation and change; it all depends on who is reading it. No one is the same. No one.

I can believe in science and be Christian.

I can believe in God and doubt… which I have done and will continue to do too many times to count.

I can feel scared and follow through anyways.

“And that’s okay. I accept it. COME AT ME bISHEZZZZZ. I ACCEPT IT AND I COMMIT TO USING IT FOR GOOD…”

That is a little rendition of an interpretation of words by God and by Steven Hayes… & by me. Mostly me tho because I do not think first God or second renowned researcher Dr. Steven Hayes would sign off on that. So mostly by me… inspired tho by them. And by everyone who has ever shown me a little kindness. That’s also true: it goes a long a$$ way, being kind. You just never know who needs it. Because God knows I did…I still do… & I always will.

P.S.: Got my name changed back, ya i got my name changed back (Miranda Lambert recently if I do recall from a youtube video). Consideringitpurejoy.com is back. Found a sale $15 for the year. No more consideringitpurejoydotcom.wordpress.com for now lolol and LOL

Ummm I Thought This Was a Helpful Wellness Center???

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I am sitting here at my college’s health center trying my absolute hardest to get into contact with a psychiatrist. I know what you are thinking. Why didn’t you schedule your appointment earlier? I have the answer to that. I was involuntarily held for a freaking week of my life last week, and they (aka the stoooooopid government) took my phone away from me for five days. So I literally couldn’t. That’s why ladies and gents.

I am about to lose my mind (again) because, well, of course, once again no one is taking me seriously. Everyone thinks I’m joking around or something. But I’m not. I’m deadass 100% seriousness about the fact that I need to see a psychiatrist, or I will go insane. Why? Because I’m already there. I’m already crazy. So the choice is ultimately yours, my college. Are you going to keep an innocent young student who simply is trying her best to get by waiting around in the dark when the light switch is right next to you?

Tune in next week, people. I guess we’ll find out together. Just… ugh.

Eulogy to My Pop-Pop

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From as far back as I can remember, my grandpa, who I have always referred to as Pop-pop, has always been someone who I have admired. My complete admiration of Pop-pop actually began because I thought Pop-pop’s real name was, in fact, popcorn. And this, of course, was truly incredible to my 4-year-old self, so much so that I have vivid memories of telling my preschool friends that I loved my grandpa because his real name was Popcorn. Of course, the next time I got to see Pop-pop, I was so excited to talk about this with him. I ran right over to him, and whispered in his ear, “Is Pop-pop your nickname for your real name, Popcorn?”. I remember Pop-pop started smiling and laughing to himself. He looked down at me and said, “Well, yes!”. That moment confirmed to me that Pop-pop was actually legendary, and that moment made me want to be just like him.

Fortunately for me, Pop-pop was the best possible role model I could have chosen. Pop-pop was a man who made the most of every moment and every single thing in his life, even the most ordinary ones. I remember sitting next to Pop-pop at the kitchen table drawing flowers on a piece of computer paper. Flowers have always been my go-to drawing of choice, so this was the usual sketch for me. Pop-pop, however, found a way to make that moment extraordinary. From helping me add a flower pot underneath my flowers to then suggesting I add a table underneath the flower pot to then finessing the background so that the entire paper finally became a piece of art that we created together, just the two of us, Pop-pop always knew exactly how to spice up life to make it the loveliest. When I got to high school and began taking every possible art class offered to me, I knew I wanted to use that same sort of Pop-pop-style spice in my own art. I was always so proud to see him, so I could show him the artwork I created. I loved seeing his reactions to what I had made and really valued his opinions. I absolutely have always felt a special sort of indescribable closeness with Pop-pop because of our shared love of art and our bond that truly cultivated because of it.

In addition to all of this, Pop-pop was also extremely funny. In a lot of ways, my own humor mirrors his. Back when I was in middle school, I remember visiting Pop-pop and Nona when they were in the middle of doing Weight Watchers. Nona was explaining to everyone at the dinner table what Weight Watchers was, and why it meant they were not having the same dessert as all of us grandchildren. As she was explaining this, I looked over at Pop-pop, who was rolling his eyes, probably because there were several desserts laid out including cake, cookies, ice cream, and pizzelles. When Nona left the room, Pop-pop waved me over and asked me to get him some dessert before Nona came back. When I returned with his dessert, he laughed and told me it would be our little secret. Now, I do the same things when I am with my friends. If we are all out to eat and someone goes to the bathroom, my friends and I will steal some fries off their plate while they are gone, and of course deny these actions ever happened when they return. I like to think this especially is what Pop-pop would have wanted for me to learn from him!

My grandpa, Pop-pop, also liked to keep things short and sweet, so I will do the same here today. Pop-pop was a smiley grandpa that I will always, always remember for his loving attitude, his funny comments, and his commitment to making bright and beautiful art no matter what. Pop-pop, I love you so much, and I’ll be seeing you!

 

My Middle Name is STOOOOPIDB

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Yesterday night, I had the wonderful idea to sign up for personal training at 5 in the morning today. I am very aware that it is normal to workout in the morning, but for me, it is a huge stretch. Like, I would normally rather place my hand onto a hot stove for twenty-seven hours than be at the gym at that time. Let’s be honest, I am not too great to be around before the sun rises unless you like looking at things that resemble monsters and ugliness.

But, I had this weird feeling in my soul that I was meant to workout at this time today. Probably because I like the idea of being one of those people who has their lives together and works out in the mornings and wears lulu lemon. When my alarm went off at 4:20 (blaze it sista frans amirite), I actually wanted to fall to my knees and sob. Instead, I put on my junior shirt from high school, which is totally the exact same thing as lulu lemon, and marched my butt to my electric vehicle. You know, the one all the cool kids are driving these days.

I got to the gym. I did the workout. My butt is now so sore I cannot even tell you this feeling I am experiencing. I am walking like there is a literal twig up my ass. I think I need to call an ambulance to take my to the walgreens urgent care if it gets more severe in the next few hours.

So, all is fine at this point. I am totally just a gal who has it all together since I worked out at this time. My life is totally not in shambles because of this one thing I did one time only. I sit on my couch, and pass the actual heck out. Not even my mom yelling at me to stop being lazy could wake me up. And her voice resembles like a mean Billy Ray Cyrus yelling if he was not country. It is brutal basically.

I wake up from my amazing slumber, look down at my phone, and realize it is 9:57. I am supposed to workout at 10. I look down at my outfit, realize I am wearing the same one as yesterday, change faster than I ever have, and race my butt to the gym. I have never decided on an outfit faster. It was truly a miracle.

When I get to the gym, I see my phone and realize that it is still the same day. It is still Friday. I had worked out four hours earlier. My dumb butt thought I slept through an entire day and woken up tomorrow. I actually wanted to take an axe to my neck, chop my head off, and throw it into a local canal because of all of the unnecessary stress I caused myself.

All in mother freaking all, I am quite the dumb b.

Have you had any experiences like mine? Let a b know!

 

Way Up Feelin #Blessed

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Want to know what is cool? No, it is not those mittens that double as gloves when you take the tops off, although you KNOW darn well I have multiple pairs of those babies. It is not even the OG girl scout cookie, mint chip ice-cream from Bruster’s only available during the spring months. The longer I live, the more I realize that Jesus is the coolest, most incredible (ya, I only know descriptive adjectives on the second grade level 😉 ) God imaginable.

As I sit here on my futon in my dorm room avoiding studying for finals as any girl with borderline grades should not be doing, I cannot help but to be overwhelmed by Jesus. Overwhelmed by the sacrifices He made for not only me, but for each and every one of us. And I cannot help but to be hopeful.

I am so hopeful that there is purpose in all of this suffering. I am so hopeful that God truly does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. I am so hopeful that Jesus is exactly who He says He is.

So now as I peel the blankets off of me and head on to what feels like a seventy-three mile walk to the library (in reality it is probably .2 miles), I will probably shed a few tears of joy knowing that The King of the universe gave His one and only Son so that I may have eternal life. (Ya again, I am a #weaksauce from time to time. No shame.)

I want to leave the one to two readers of this blog with this verse because it is truly one of the dankest, and it has truly been carrying me through these past few months. Let me know which verse you have been digging recently!

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light, momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” – 2Corinthians 4:16-18

Catching up on the Basic B Stories (and by Basic B I mean Basic Bible) ;)

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A few weeks ago, I found myself in the gospel of Mark, which is pretty unusual for me because I tend to float more towards Esther when I am just reading the Bible for the heck of it. This is obviously due to the fact she is actually a boss ass b. Fight me on that one. Anyways, I grew up avoiding church at all costs. I did not want to be associated with what I considered to be boring, unfunny, judgmental people. Because of this, when I was supposed to be at church learning about God per my dad’s requests, I would actually be driving to local smoothie and acai bowl restaurants and sipping those dranks and snacks instead. Ya, I was a holy mofo.

Long story short, I missed out on a lot of what is considered to be common knowledge to Christians. So when I started reading Mark 8:1-13, which is titled Jesus Feeds the Four Thousand, I was honestly blown away. Not even like a little hair caught on your chapstick blown away; I am talking full-force, Carrie Underwood soundtrack Blown Away people.

I live in Athens, which is a college town. Downtown Athens happens to be filled with numerous homeless individuals. If you know me, you know that for some unknown reason, homeless people really have a special place in my heart. Not kidding, if I just see a homeless person, there is a good chance I will start crying because it just breaks my heart. I’m a #weaksauce for real.

ANYWAYS, in this passage I was reading, the first thing that Jesus says to these people without food or anything at all before He performs this miracle is that He has compassion on them. He does not ask why they are in the position that they are in. He does not ask why they do not have jobs. He does not ask if they do drugs. He does not ask if they spent their money frivolously, and that is why they are in the position they are in. No. The first thing that my God does is have compassion on them. (My God is also a #boss).

I know it can be hard to simply have compassion, especially if you live in a place where common advice is quite the contrary… if it is that if you do not like the way your life is going, change it. I know because I have received that advice so often. It can be hard if everyone around you, yourself included, has never been in the situation as the one struggling. Heck, having compassion can be difficult for a number of reasons. But it can be done. Jesus has shown that it is not only possible, but it has happened. Having compassion as a reflex has happened.

Jesus is hinting at me (and by hinting at me I mean throwing a microwave at my head) through all of this passage to make compassion my reflex.

This really has quite literally nothing to do with the gym or anything like that, but it is a lot more important. Life is but a breath. Focus on things above. Focus on The Lord. But still do not forget to focus on the #gainz amirite ;).

 

What I’ve Learned in College thus Far

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I am not perfect. I am not, and I will never claim to be.

I came into college messy, broken, and deeply saddened. I did not come into college like I once thought I would. I did not feel excitement when rushing to join a sorority, so I dropped out of rush. I grew up thinking everyone joined a sorority. I did not feel a sense of community when I met with the first small group I was placed with, so I stopped going to that small group. I have been told for the past two years that I have been a Christian that small groups are where you thrive and truly grow in your faith. I tried so many different clubs and organizations, but none of them made me feel anything great, or anything at all. And this confused me.

It confused me because I grew up telling everyone that college was going to be the best four years of my life. I grew up telling my neighbors I could not wait to leave them all in the dust (sorry neighbors 😉 ). I could not wait to truly be independent. To be alone.

But that is not what The Lord wants for anyone.

The Lord does not concern Himself with you having the perfect college experience. He does not care about you maintaining the same grades you had in high school. He is not worried about you getting into the best sorority and having the perfect big. He is not concerned with you having the best four years of your life. He does not want you to leave behind everything and go on alone. He does not want you to run to all of these different things- Christian oriented or not. He wants you to run to Him.

Jesus Christ came to save the messy. The broken. The confused. The lost. Jesus Christ ate with the sinners. He ate with the Christian that came to college, but even still got a little too crazy just last weekend (me). He ate with her, and He did not leave her because of her mistakes. Jesus does not want you to eat alone. He does not want you to be independent. He wants you to come to Him. He wants you to have a relationship with Him. To trust Him.

Matthew 11:28 literally says “come to me”. Jesus desires a relationship with you. He wants you so badly, whether you are tired, weary, and broken or not. You were not made to be independent. Not at all. You were made for relationships, most importantly a relationship with the Creator.

So, like it says in Hebrews 4:14-16, let us hold fast our confession, the confession that God is not ever disappointed in you because of what Jesus has done, and draw near to the thrown of grace. Draw near to The Lord.

What THE FREAKIN HECK…

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Scrolling through my instagram realizing that a large group of teenage/mid-twenties girls I follow are selling macro plans and “coaching” with absolutely NO qualifications whatsoever (um no, working out/competing/liking fitness/etc is ABSOLUTELY NOT a qualification) to not only the general population, but they are targeting girls with EDs/disordered habits… I am APPALLED.

First of all, gaining weight does not mean anything to me. No offense, but you could gain 0 pounds or 100 pounds or lose 3950 pounds and still be mentally stuck. Healthy weight with a sprinkle of abs does not equal recovery or a degree in dietetics. Gaining weight does not give you the right to be a “nutritional coach”. What in the absolute freaking HECK does that even mean?!?!?! My grandmother or my old fish, Sonya, could call themselves nutritional coaches because it takes NOTHING to be one. SO WHAT? You tell someone to eat veggies and protein for $250 a month? Freaking wow incredible advice you dumb, money hungry bish. (Lol so mad.)

I have said it once, and you bet I will say it again. DO NOT TRUST RANDOM GIRLS ON THE INTERNET WITH YOUR HEALTH. I personally understand and have experienced how listening to some random teenager’s advice on doing blahblahblah and eating blahblahblah can create some reallllllllllllly unhealthy habits that um take um a lot effort to um reverse (as in trying hard now) and blahblahblah.

So all in all, PLEASE… PLEASE do not trust “nutritionists”. Trust people with degrees, trust ACTUAL sources. plz plz plz. It is not worth your health and/or sanity. KKKKKKK BYEEEEEEEEEEE.

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also felt the need to show this picture i took one time of an ostrich. I was in WALKING DISTANCE BISHEZZZZZ.

I Eat ERRRRYTHANGGG

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Hello bishes. It’s been more than a week… SUE ME. I’ve been extremely busy as per usual, so there really is no excuse. But I am realllllly fired up about this topic of diets. I will try to control myself but um💁🏼. 

First of all, I am honestly BAFFLED as to how it is now more common to be vegan or vegetarian or paleo or gluten free or whatever the heck it may be than to just be. In my house alone, I have vegan, a vegetarian, and someone who is weird about sugar. No, none of these things are bad per say. Actually, I was vegan for four months and vegetarian for 2&1/2 years until the day I started prepping for my first competition. But, these diets are restricting. Very restricting. If you are recovering from any sort of restrictive ED, then you don’t need to be following them until you are mentally recovered. After that, do whatever the heck you want with your intake as long as you aren’t using these diets to restrict. 

For me, being vegan was easy. It allowed me to be in control and whatever. Same with vegetarianism. It just allows you to restrict certain food groups with no questions asked. No one concerns themselves with why you aren’t eating specific foods because it is the new normal to do so. I don’t even know why. This is very harmful because it is comfortable to stay within this diet, thus you are staying comfortable in restriction. You will make little to no mental progress. You’ll be mentally confined. The day I started prepping for my first competition is the day i made a lot of progress because I was forced to eat meat and a high fat macro split, both groups I used to avoid. Now I cannot imagine a day without minimum 4 TBLS of peanut butter and chicken with hot sauce. 

Basically, restricting certain foods or food groups and justifying it with veganism or paleo eating or whatever is not normal or healthy. Sorry. It isn’t. Although society now views all these types of diets as normal, know that you don’t have to follow them. Everyone is different and everyone’s backgrounds are different. I would never encourage anyone who has any sort of restrictive behaviors to jump on any of these diet band wagons. No food should ever be viewed as bad or off limits. Life is too short to ban carbs or fats or proteins or eggs or meat or cake. Live fully and just be an everything eater in moderation. Healthy is a relative term and no one knows your body and mindset better than you. K BYEEEE
My cabinet of fats above. 

Some icecream I had for breakfast above. 

I love all food groups and will never restrict any foods ever again lol🍦🍕💕🤘🏽🤑

Totes Good Advice!!!!

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Okay, well I am sitting in my school’s auditorium for the next hour waiting for everyone to finish their finals because I finished mine a tad early lol (hopefully a good thing😜). I thought, Me, what the heck you might as well write a post now while you have this chunk of time. 
I am going to touch on the importance of who you are following on social media and how who I follow and used to follow have impacted my own recovery K BISHEZ. 
Over the past year and even few weeks, I’ve really come to monitor who I am following. THIS IS VERY CRUCIAL. I really suggest following people who have already reached your goals, who are smarter than you, who are where you want to be. This is because you will not grow if you are surrounding your thoughts and mind with images and texts from people who don’t challenge you. The saying goes, “If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room”. You need to apply that to social media. 
For example, if you’re trying to gain weight to reach weight restoration in recovery, you do NOT need to be following extremely underweight girls or boys. Like HELLLLLOOOOO. Why would you purposely cloud your mind with images of people who are going to hold you back? Follow people who are healthy weights and have healthy eating and exercising patterns.  
If you are a healthy weight DONT FREAKING FOLLOW girls and guys that are always posting about how they want to lose weight or are extremely large. Follow people who are comfortable in their own skin. You need to focus on your recovery, because without recovery you’ll be stuck with your eating disorder forever. NOT FUNNNN. One, five, ten, twenty years down the road do you want to be hospitalized thinking man I really should have given it my all back then. I’ve wasted MY WHOLE LIFE living with an eating disorder. Didn’t think so BISHEzz. 
Recently, I’ve had to unfollow some people that I consider to be friends with on social media. Was this hard? DUH BISHES. But it had to be done. I am not trying to hold onto my past. I needed to suck it up, face the challenge, and continue on with my recovery. Eating disorders are NOT a choice by ANY means, but recovery IS. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE FREE MENTALLY. It is true. 
By unfollowing certain people and following others, it has helped me realize life is more than being underweight and miserable. It is more than only eating clean food every single meal ever. It is more than exercising every hour of every day. These things do not and will not fulfill you. I really encourage you to evaluate who you’re following and how following them makes you feel and adjust the list accordingly. IT CAN CHANGE YOOOOOO LIFE💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿.